Towards an Understanding of the Female Macho

The basics of my 6-week check-up are pretty discernible from the haiku, but being told that I'm not healing very well from labor and need to "take it easy" has prompted a couple of thoughts beyond mere depression.

First of all, "take it easy?" When I'm feeding and changing and shushing and playing with and carrying and walking and generally catering to the very loud whims of a tiny homunculus?! You take it easy, lady! So there.

In addition to abject rage, I've also been thinking a lot about pain. The midwife asked if I was feeling pain, and I said "yes" -- this is concurrent with the whole not healing thing -- but I also said "so what?" I've been hurting in some way for months now.

Late pregnancy hurts. I was pretty active and kept walking and going to yoga and generally kept moving, but the fact of the matter is I felt like there was a bowling ball pressing on me from the inside. Because there was. And I would double over and gasp sometimes with the pain. That was normal.

Labor hurts. In part because it was so speedy for me, I didn't have any pain medication, which means I went through the most painful experience of my entire life without so much as a Tylenol. It hurt. It was also transformative and beautiful and all that stuff, really, honestly, it was. But you know what else? It hurt like a motherfucker.

And postpartum hurts. I hurt in the hospital. I hurt when I came home. And I hurt six weeks later. The weird thing was finding out that unlike all the previous forms of pain, my current pain was abnormal, a sign that something was wrong. I had gotten so used to hurting, that I couldn't even realize it was a big deal.

All of which makes me think some large-scale thoughts about motherhood (and yes I mean motherhood and not parenthood because I do think this goes back to the biological act of having the baby come out of your body, although generally I agree that moms are the de facto parents in our society that that is all kinds of problematic):

Is motherhood fundamentally based in pain?
Is a good mother one who can ignore her own pain for the sake of her child?
And is this why everyone's mother is crazy?

No answers yet. But I think best while walking and probably won't be able to take a walk around the block for another few weeks.